Oct 26, 2020 Chaser type message. So let’s look first at 3 ‘low value’ first messages you can send on a dating app, where you look like a CHASER. Note: I don’t like the expression ‘low value’ – of course we all have value as people, but you need to start communicating like a man who has standards and choice when it comes to dating.
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- What To Say In First Message On Dating Site
- What To Say In Message On Dating Site Examples
Determining what the right thing to say in your first online dating message to a woman can be tough. How do you get a woman's attention when she might be getting bombarded by messages 24/7?
We analyzed thousands of messages from men across the country and created the infographic below to give you a peek into how other guys are doing it. Find out what everyone else is doing so you can stand out!
Statistics show that the 3 most popular ways to greet someone in an online dating message were actually bad beginnings. These top 3 intros to avoid include “hi,” “hey,” and “hello.” “Hi” is the most common first message, used by about 23% of men. So, if you think you’re standing out, you’re actually standing in a group of. Determining what the right thing to say in your first online dating message to a woman can be tough. How do you get a woman's attention when she might be getting bombarded by messages 24/7? We analyzed thousands of messages from men across the country and created the infographic below to give you a peek into how other guys are doing it. Read Her Dating Profile. When you read a woman's dating profile and comment on it, you show you're actually interested in getting to know her. Most guys comment on photos or use a lame opening message like 'Hey' which shows a complete lack of effort. Jess Carbino, Tinder's sociologist, shared that '7 in 10 Tinder women want. Awkward, sorry, apologize, kinda, and probably all made male messages how successful, and conversation of them except sorry affects female messages. A copy of real-site dating advice tells men to be more confident, but apparently hemming and hawing a little works well online. Examples of good messages for online dating.
What Men Are Saying In Their First Online Dating Message
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Our team has combed through and analyzed thousands of messages sent to women by younger men in our research study to see exactly what they say in their first message and how you can use that data to improve your own online dating success.
We collected our message data from many different attractive women interested in dating younger men with widely varying:
- Locations
- Careers and incomes
- Ethnicities
- Religions
- Interests
- Ages (primarily 30-45)
Our goal was to create a general picture of how men initially communicate with older women online and we believe we have put together a fantastic picture. This is info that you can use everywhere online from the few legit hookup sites and apps to more traditional dating sites.
How To Use This In Your Own First Online Dating Message
There are 10 key takeaways from this infographic that can help you in your dating life:
1. Give her something to work with
The first message shouldn’t be a novel but it should make it easy for her to respond.
Nearly a quarter of men just said something like 'Hi' or 'what's up'.
Way to set yourself apart from the pack guys....
In this day and age, assume most people have ADD online - you only have a VERY brief window to catch someone’s attention.
This is especially true for a woman in online dating who has HUNDREDS of matches.
You DO NOT want to make her work to like you.
Most guys kept the first message under 20 words.
Shorter and punchier is better but 20 words may be too short.
If you just send her the typical 'Hi' or 'Whats up' you are going to get a very boring response. This is a type of message you should probably avoid sending.
Do you think that is a great way to start of the interaction?
2. Don’t be afraid to talk about yourself
Dale Carnegie said that a person’s favorite topic of conversation is themselves.
But if you never tell a woman anything about you in your first online dating message, she has nothing to be attracted to… unless she’s 100% superficial and only looking at your bod.
Only 14% of all men talked about themselves when it came to messaging older women.
Yes, it’s good to keep the focus of the conversation on her, what she likes, and so on… But make sure to tell her about you!
Hit her with a few of the more interesting tidbits about yourself so that she will want to learn more. This is a great way to talk to girls online.
3. Most men talk about their fitness level or height (so don't)
So what should you talk about with the older woman and tell her about?
If you want to be different, DON’T talk about fitness level or your height… 63% and 42% of all men, respectively, messaged about those things.
Women do care about that stuff obviously.
But get her more interested in your personality and who you are.
Here are some more interesting things you can talk to her about:
- Travel
- Hobbies
- Things you have in common
- A funny moment
- Your motivations for what you do during the day
Take it deeper and don’t just be like any other guy.
Online dating is a numbers game but with a tiny bit more effort, you can drastically improve your results and your first message response rate.
4. If you’re going to compliment her be specific
Too many guys gave women a generic compliment in their first online dating message.
What To Say In Message On Dating Site Quotes
When it came to complimenting a woman’s appearance, 50% said something like, “You are hot.”
60% said something like, “I like your profile.”
This is boring.
This doesn’t make her feel like you actually looked at or care about her.
You’ve got to be a bit different.
Find something specific you can compliment her on if you want to charm her: Her eyes, an article of clothing she’s wearing, even a personality trait that comes across while you two are texting.
Women don’t get that type of compliment a lot so it makes you stand out from the crowd and catches her attention.
5. A lot of guys go right for the date
8% of men asked the older woman out on a date in their first message.
What To Say In Message On Dating Site Email
While this can be seen as a bold move it is typically not very successful unless you are incredibly good looking.
A woman is not going to meet you offline unless she is interested in you and comfortable with you.
Peaking her interest can be pretty easy if you can convey that you have your life together through your profile.
Getting her comfortable enough to actually meet usually takes a little more work.
If you are blasting out messages to every girl you see online and don't care which you meet that is one thing.
If you are more selective and want to greatly increase you chances of actually meeting a woman in person you should wait until your third message to get her number or meet up in person.
6. Drink dates are popular but it can be good to mix it up
“Drinks” was the standard date most guys (32%) opted for in their first online dating message.
Drinks aren’t bad.
A few drinks helps to loosen people up and allows us to have better conversations.
But did you know that only 1% of guys asked older women out to dancing?!
That’s needs to change.
Dancing is a fantastic first or second date (even if you can't dance).
It allows you to show that you can take charge, have fun, and that you are not afraid to try something you might not be great at.
If you’re scared of going dancing because you don’t know how, take some basic lessons.
You don’t have to be amazing, but taking a dancing class once a week for part of the year will put you in the top 10% of guys and give you a HUGE advantage over everyone else.
7. Asking for sex straight up happens but not as much as you might think
Asking for sex right away is VERY polarizing in your first online dating message.
While you may be able to find some success with this tactic it is typically a pretty low percentage move.
Every woman that we spoke to was extremely creeped out by the guys who sent these messages.
It probably didn't help that these guys almost always spelled something wrong!
Most likely, you’ll be scaring away a ton of women who MIGHT be down, but are afraid of committing to sex right away, or are unfortunately afraid of being thought of as “easy”.
Only 2% of men asked for sex as the first date.
Intuitively, most of us guys know that if we ask a girl to have sex with us straight away, the answer is most likely going to be “No.”
If you’d like to REALLY play the numbers game this could work, assuming you have an amazing body and pictures, and you’re looking for a woman who just wants sex.
8. Most guys leave the date general but you need to make it specific
Most men chose to leave the date as something general, like hanging out (around 30%).
Far less men made it something specific, like visiting a landmark in the city (6%).
Leaving it open and general is “safer”: There’s less risk of pushback or rejection if she doesn’t like your suggestion.
What To Say In First Message On Dating Site
But being specific is better.
Not only can you screen to find out if you’ll like the woman (if she hates what you want to take her to), but feminine energy prefers having a specific and guided plan.
The more open you leave it, the less the woman feels like she can relax.
Especially when it comes to older women, you want to let her know that you have your shit together.
So, keep it specific: 8PM at the *neighborhood* park.
9. Thinking about telling her that she’s beautiful?
Most guys shied away when it came to using more sexually charged language.
29% of men told a woman that she was beautiful, but only 5% said that she was sexy.
While it’s good to be complimenting her, again, don’t be afraid of rejection.
Flirt online with a woman online to keep her interested (but not TOO much like asking for sex right away).
You’ll be screening out girls who aren’t interested.
From all these takeaways you should know that it’s better to be DIFFERENT.
You DON’T want to be doing the same thing all other guys do, because you’ll just get lost in the crowd.
Here are some helpful tips from the 10 takeaways that can help you stand out:
- Keep the first message short (under 20 words) and send it after work (7pm) or during lunch.
- Don’t just make the first message, “Hi.” Make it punchy, like a question or a statement that intrigues her.
- If you’re going to compliment her, don’t make it generic. It’s better to make it about a specific character trait or body part.
- Don’t be afraid to tell her about yourself, but try not making it about your fitness level or height.
- Asking for sex is EXTREMELY polarizing - you probably won’t get many dates, but when you do….
- Ask her out on a very SPECIFIC date: “Let’s meet at XPM at Y place.”
What To Say In Message On Dating Site Examples
There’s more to it than you think
Sep 14, 2009·6 min read
Ok, here’s the experiment. We analyzed over 500,000 first contacts on our dating site, OkCupid. Our program looked at keywords and phrases, how they affected reply rates, and what trends were statistically significant. The result: a set of rules for what you should and shouldn’t say when introducing yourself. Online dating advice at its best. Let’s go:
Netspeak, bad grammar, and bad spelling are huge turn-offs. Our negative correlation list is a fool’s lexicon: ur, u, wat, wont, and so on. These all make a terrible first impression. In fact, if you count hit (and we do!) the worst 6 words you can use in a first message are all stupid slang.
Language like this is such a strong deal-breaker that correctly written but otherwise workaday words like don’t and won’t have nicely above average response rates (36% and 37%, respectively).
Interesting exceptions to the “no netspeak” rule are expressions of amusement. haha (45% reply rate) and lol (41%) both turned out to be quite good for the sender. This makes a certain sense: people like a sense of humor, and you need to be casual to convey genuine laughter. hehe was also a successful word, but much less so (33%). Scientifically, this is because it’s a little evil sounding.
So, in short, it’s okay to laugh, but keep the rest of your message grammatical and punctuated.
Although the data shows this advice holds true for both sexes, it’s mostly directed at guys, because they are way more likely to talk about looks. You might think that words like gorgeous, beautiful, and sexy are nice things to say to someone, but no one wants to hear them. As we all know, people normally like compliments, but when they’re used as pick-up lines, before you’ve even met in person, they inevitably feel…ew. Besides, when you tell a woman she’s beautiful, chances are you’re not.
On the other hand, more general compliments seem to work well:
The word pretty is a perfect case study for our point. As an adjective, it’s a physical compliment, but as an adverb (as in, “I’m pretty good at sports.”) it’s is just another word.
When used as an adverb it actually does very well (a phenomenon we’ll examine in detail below), but as pretty‘s uses become more clearly about looks, reply rates decline sharply. You’re pretty and your pretty are phrases that could go either way (physical or non-). But very pretty is almost always used to describe the way something or someone looks, and you can see how that works out.
We took a close look at salutations. After all, the way you choose to start your initial message to someone is the “first impression of your first impression.” The results surprised us:
The top three most popular ways to say “hello” were all actually bad beginnings. Even the slangy holla and yo perform better, bucking the general “be literate” rule. In fact, it’s smarter to use no traditional salutation at all (which earns you the reply rate of 27%) and just dive into whatever you have to say than to start with hi. I’m not sure why this is: maybe the ubiquity of the most popular openings means people are more likely to just stop reading when they see them.
The more informal standard greetings: how’s it going, what’s up, and howdy all did very well. Maybe they set a more casual tone that people prefer, though I have to say, You had me at ‘what’s up’ doesn’t quite have the same ring to it.
There are many words on the effective end of our list like zombie, band, tattoo, literature, studying, vegetarian (yes!), and metal (double yes!) that are all clearly referencing something important to the sender, the recipient, or, ideally, both. Talking about specific things that interest you or that you might have in common with someone is a time-honored way to make a connection, and we have proof here that it works. We’re presenting just a smattering: in fact every “niche” word that we have significant data on has a positive effect on messaging.
Even more effective are phrases that engage the reader’s own interests, or show you’ve read their profile:
Awkward, sorry, apologize, kinda, and probably all made male messages more successful, yet none of them except sorry affects female messages. As we mentioned before, pretty, no doubt because of its adverbial meaning of “to a fair degree; moderately” also helps male messages. A lot of real-world dating advice tells men to be more confident, but apparently hemming and hawing a little works well online.
It could be that appearing unsure makes the writer seem more vulnerable and less threatening. It could be that women like guys who write mumbly. But either way: men should be careful not to let the appearance of vulnerability become the appearance of sweaty desperation: please is on the negative list (22% reply rate), and in fact it is the only word that is actually worse for you than its netspeak equivalent (pls, 23%)!
Mentioning your religion helps you, but, paradoxically, it helps you most if you have no religion. We know that’s going to piss a lot of people off, and we’re more or less tongue-in-cheek with this advice, but it’s what the numbers say.
These are the religious terms that appeared a statistically significant number of times. Atheist actually showed up surprisingly often (342 times per 10,000 messages, second only to 552 mentions of christian and ahead of 278 for jewish and 142 for muslim).
Though very few people actually do it, invoking the sky-breaking thunderbolts of zeus does help a person get noticed (reply rate 56%), but maybe that shouldn’t be a surprise on a site that is itself named for a member of the Classical pantheon. So if you can’t bring yourself to deny the deity, consider opening yourself up to a whole wacky bunch of them. But ideally you should just disbelieve the whole thing. It can help your love life, and, besides, if there really was a god, wouldn’t first messages always get a reply?
A word about user privacy on OkCupid
Though this post talks in detail about the content of people’s messages on OkCupid, all messages have been anonymized, with sender and recipient data and all IP and timestamp information stripped out. In addition, our analysis program looked at messages only two or three words at a time, to track the success of certain words or phrases (like “what’s up” vs. “wats up”). The program then aggregated results by phrase before presenting the data. No one at OkCupid read any actual user messages to compile this post.
Give OkCupid a try to connect with people as individual as you are.